Maternal Guilt

I've been providing breast milk for my daughter since she was born 11 weeks ago. Due to latching issues and a scary weight-loss in the first week, I've been exclusively pumping, and storing a ton of extra milk in a freezer we bought especially for the purpose of providing additional milk for her after I stop pumping and go back to work. I was so excited, filling those little bags, carefully noting the date and amount, stacking them in the freezer and watching as the surplus of white gold grew and grew. I felt like Super Mom - I am entirely responsible for providing the nutrition that is helping my darling baby grow bigger and stronger! I am amazing! my boobs have purpose!

And then we tried feeding her some of the frozen milk, just to see how it went. And she threw it up, impressively, all over herself, me, my clothes, the couch. Huge fountains of that white gold spurting out of my still-tiny darling girl. She immediately burst into tears, more I think because she was messy than that the process of spitting up hurt her. And I felt the intense pangs of the dreaded Maternal Guilt: what have I done? I have caused my helpless baby anguish. And because I am selfish and don't want to continue breast-feeding until she's two years old (not even past three months, if we're being honest), she will be relegated to either mommy-milk that makes her barf or the horrible Formula, only created because of the terrible mothers out there who care so little for their babies that they are unwilling to continue having their bodies be responsible for the growth of their child.

I am a bad mother.

Never mind that I was exclusively formula-fed and am not only physically healthy but perfectly well attached to my mom. Never mind that plenty of moms are unable to breast-feed for any number of physical reasons. Never mind that formula is perfectly healthy and also helps babies sleep better, which is a big plus for the parents. Never mind that being able to go about my day without having to plan when I'm going to pump so I don't leak all over my clothes or worse, suffer with the incredible stabbing pain of engorgement that makes it almost impossible to hold my daughter will make me a happier, calmer mom better able to care for my darling girl.

What is wrong with me? And more importantly, what is wrong with the huge stash of milk I stored to help alleviate my guilt over stopping?

After much heartache and Googling, I learned about a condition that many moms have: higher levels of lipase, an enzyme that apparently breaks down the fat in breast milk even when frozen, rendering it sour and inedible. Fabulous. Why no one mentioned this I don't know.

Actually, I do know: because mothers are supposed to naturally take to direct breast-feeding without any assistance. It's supposed to magically work, immediately, and be so wonderful and pain-free that it's an emotional wrench for the mom to wean the baby even when the kid's old enough to walk over to her and ask for her breast in a complete sentence. And because of that, no one mentions the option of exclusively pumping, which allows Dad and others to enjoy the thrill of feeding the baby, or the possibility of storing milk for future use when Mom goes back to work. So of course no one would bring up a condition that apparently effects many women and damages those hard-earned little bags of baby food, leaving all those new moms to find out about it only in the threads of comments on grassroots websites and not in any of the "official" medical information out there.

So now, a few weeks before my baby girl is supposed to be happily living off my lovingly prepared backstock of frozen milk, we're struggling to figure out if any of it is any good. And I'm wallowing in huge amounts of guilt over something that my mind knows isn't the end of the world, but that because of the nursing nazis out there, the screaming websites that proclaim formula as an evil and unacceptable choice, and even the notice on every single container of formula that states "breast milk is the ideal food for infants, but if you must use formula this brand is designed to be a close second" (you'd think the formula companies would want to make their product sound a little better, but hey) I'm second-guessing the decision I made for my own sanity and well-being because I'm worried that my sweet girl isn't going to thrive on formula.

I wasn't expecting this. I didn't think the hardest part about having an infant was going to be my boobs. They are a constant issue, they're gigantic and uncomfortable at best and painful, aching, leaking blobs at worst. I wake up at night from the discomfort, I have to make sure I pump before she gets up otherwise I am in agony when I'm cuddling with her, none of my clothes fit because of them and I feel like a cow on a daily basis. I've been so looking forward to being done with this part of the process and being able to enjoy my baby girl without this pain in the ... chest ... but now the guilt is almost more uncomfortable than my boobs. And I've got the double whammy of all that wasted money and time represented in the hundreds of spoiled bags sitting useless in our freezer.

And I look at the sweet tiny face of my sleeping baby, and I know she'll be fine no matter what. It's the love and affection she's getting from her father and me that's making her thrive, not the liquid in her bottle.